'ded a skeeter git cha?' - i heard that a lot when we were growing up - back in the day - on the hill - in the country -
translated, it means 'did you get bitten by a mosquito?' ..
skeeters seem to follow me around no matter what i do to try and prevent it - i can bath myself in deet and they would feast.
all the rain we have had here in the last month has not helped. we are floating around here and all the abandoned tires and the vacant lots from the bulldozed homes and businesses - something is happening in the area, but not sure what.

trying to reconnect with writing - have read some inspiring blogs that reminded me i liked to write - so i thought i would give it another go.

lord, i hope no one else dies - ok, deal?

i think i am going to talk more about when we were kids - seemed like a magical time - at least to me - so, i'll see ya' around and watch out for them skeeters.

house of carters - makes me cry - is there a mirror in the house - such emotion, passion and love

later

Momma and Daddy - sometime in the 50s

had a dream - on a chilly weekend night - snuggled next to Rod - in the back of the van - tired from unloading and setting up the show - in the middle of exhausted - i was - laying across a water bed - drifting in and out - Momma walked through a closet door - not looking anything like she had always looked in my dreams - not this time - this time she looked like she did the night she died - she wasn't dressed in purple with her hair all done up - teased and sprayed - like she did when we put her in the ground - no this time she was scary - kind of - i was scared in the dream - frightened to see her - hurried and frantic she was - dressed in her hospital/ nursing home gown - her little arms frail and her hands hanging at her wrists - her hair wild and wet - her eyes wide and her mouth flushed - she seemed lost - she was whimpering - my heart raced - she and Rod met in the space at the foot of the bed outside the closet door - she looked right through him and he through her - looked to be seeing one another - she didn't, couldn't see me - she was lost - the realization awoke me with a start - Momma was lost - i felt an uncontrolable sadness surround me and i began to cry - Rod nudged me - 'there's something wrong with the phone' - we use the phone as an alarm - i heard the noise too, somewhere in the back of my head - but it wasn't the phone - i was making a whimpering sound - it was me - when i came to, i couldn't stop crying - i couldn't shake the feeling that Momma was lost - searching.

I spent the rest of that early morning crying - maybe crying tears i couldn't cry so many years ago - tears i pushed aside and promised to cry later - when there was time.

Rod later told me that when he got up to put on coffee and walk our dog - jax - the radio was playing 'i hope you dance' - that was just out when Momma died and we played it at her funeral - she and Daddy loved to dance - when we held her hands that night she died - all that day - we encouraged her to go be with Daddy and go dancing - i like to think of them that way - dancing together.

i love you,
Toe

Bubba died last week - on Wednesday Aug 23 - one day before Momma and Billy Bud, all in a different month - buried him on the 26th, Saturday - seemed for awhile the 24th followed us around like a grey cloud.

talking about anything - anything other than admitting that he is gone. seems/is so so sad. hard to stop and think about. though he has been gone for 14 years, now it seems final. finally he is free. finally he is home. laid him right there to the left of daddy - my left, his right - 'your way' as momma used to say.

he never even got to see where we had laid them all to rest - i am sure he sees now, but it isn't the same - will never be the same - can we stop the dying now?

son of his couldn't make it - we did our best to include daughter. comforting her. allowing her the space to grieve.

hard to control cries that have been suppressed for 14 years.

release. comes in all forms.

bubba. i remember - "bubba got a 'tick" and chasing you around with a stick, i remember horse shows, trail rides, frog giggin', jokes on the 'girls', "aunt jeanette, hand me a towel", jiggs, blaze, kitty lou, callie and you.

i will never forget the impact you made on my life - the good and the not so good - tag. - all is forgiven. i hope you knew that.






____________________

bubba, i don't know how to say good bye to you - you were the sun - the son - the light did shine on you brighter than anyone around.
i was your shadow and it's hard for the shadow to let go of the sun.

you accepted what life gave you with no complaints - taking it with a stand up attitude that causes one to take notice.

as i re-read the last letter you wrote - so much seems clearer - did u know? i think maybe u did. they say u do.

you forgave and sought forgiveness. you honored what was and moved through the pain.

i know your pain is over and your are in Gods love and now all those who have gone before you are with you and you are all watching us. so forgive me if i stumble, but damn bubba i am going to miss you so so much.

i love you,
toe
__________________

Wendal Wade Rash
October 30, 1956 - August 23, 2006

the trip to Amarillo was nice - the weather there was in the high 70s - it was overcast and seemed very much like winter - i think the low for the night was in the low 60s - when we got into town on tuesday afternoon - we reserved our hotel room - we stayed at the quality inn suites off 40 - we couldn't check in until 2pm so we went to the walmart so i could get some long pants - as i didn't realize that men were also under the long pants rule and i only brought shorts - got back to the hotel and checked in and then showered and went out to dinner - got back to the hotel in time to watch big brother and both fell asleep during the program and woke up at 5:30 am - got showered and dressed - had breakfast at the hotel and then drove over to the prison - we had driven by on tuesday when we got into town so we would know how to get there wednesday morning and wouldn't feel rushed -
we got at the prison - he is in the bill clements unit - there were prisoners outside tending to the flowers - once inside the guardshack - we had to wait while they checked us out - normal visitation hours are on saturday and sunday - then they lead us through the prison - the infirmary is in the 'belly' of the prison - they walked us among prisoners - and i must say i was a little nervous - what with sisters giant 'bassooms', even though she tried to corral them - but we made it through without incident -

once we got to the infirmary they stopped us at the nurses station - as we stood there looking around and waiting - i saw his room directly across from the nurses desk - his name was written on a piece of paper - Rash, Wendal - 622482 - 1200CC fluid restriction - the door was closed - there was a vertical window approximately 16" long and 8" wide on the left side of the door - a slot for placing his food tray beneath - and there sitting in a hospital type recliner - covered with a woven white cotton blanket - peeking out from under the blanket was an old familiar face - he looked so old and small -

they opened the door and led us into the room and brought two chairs for us to sit in - we were surprised that they encouraged us to sit next to him and touch and hug him - which we did - sister sat on one side and i sat on the other - along the opposite wall was a small twin size bed with white sheets another cotton blanket and a single pillow - there were two vertical windows in the room - one on each side of the the back wall - they looked out into the inner courtyard - which had west texas style plants and flowers -

his eyes brightened the moment he realized we were there - and i do believe he knew we were there - they reminded us he could only have 1200 cc of fluid a day - which is the equivalent of four small cups of coffee in the styrofoam cups - he seemed overly excited to be getting a soda and chose a sprite - sister also bought him a soft peanut butter cookie - and a milky way - most all of his teeth are now gone and he finds it hard to eat anything other than mush - at first i just thought he was having trouble forming words - and i am still not sure that wasn't what was happening - but he was very disoriented - he kept looking at the doorway and smiling and even laughing at some points - then he would say 'Naw' very loud - or 'you're shitting me' - we told him that his daughter, ladonna, wanted to come see him and he got very aggitated and began shaking his head - no - it was hard for him to form words - sister continued to sit on one side and i on the other and we just sat there taking turns stroking his hands or arms - his left arm tending to quiver and shake uncontrollably - his arms are covered in tattoos - from wrist to elbow - elaborate colorful dragons and devils - fire and brimstone - i told him i had thought about getting a tattoo - what did he think - he pursed his lips and shook his head - NO - there wasn't much conversation on his part - so we spent most of the time telling him about the family - how big everyones kids are - things we did as kids - how well the reunion turned out and how pleased we were with the turnout -
we stayed approximately 2 1/2 hours - we only left because he was getting very tired and wanted to lay down - we hugged and kissed him goodbye and left - the drive home was very hard and emotional.

the bad - he is unable to form words - his thoughts drift from exclamations to counting - he spent a lot of the conversation counting - sister said she thought he was counting what money he had in his account - i thought he was counting the days left to his parole and release - his left arm would jerk and spasm - his skin is very yellow - i actually saw it as tan - but sister said it was yellow - he has a skin cancer lession on his right side cheek - though he wasn't at the time, the nurse told sister he has to wear diapers but she didn't put him in them that day cause she didn't want to embarass him - he got sick when we went to leave and threw up all over himself and started to cry - oh, that was hard - he would seem to understand what we were talking about and then become frustrated when he couldn't form the words of his reply - he would clench his right fist and try to sound out the words -

the doctor came in while we were there - he is a very compassionate man - he told us that wendals liver is not absorbing the toxins in his body and so his body is going into shock and shutting down - the nurse - mrs moore, is very good and dotes on wendal like he was a child - i can tell she has the same level of compassion - she said he has gradually gotten worse each day -

neither sister or i wanted to leave - but it was very hard to stay and i personally just wasn't sure how much longer i could hold in the tears and not cry in front of him - neither of us cried in his presense - we just sat and held him -
as we left the infirmary - they encouraged us to hug and kiss him goodbye, which we did as he lay in his bed - we both broke down once we got outside the infirmary - the lady gaurd stopped us and comforted us both patting us on the back and telling us it would be alright and that they would look after him - which is also what the nurses all said - the guard took us to see the chaplain and he took us into a conference room and explained to us what would happen when wendal died - what he would do and what the prison would do -

then we left and started home - it seemed further back home than it did there -

i don't know what lies ahead - i pray that there is a miracle - i pray that he will be released of his pain - i feel that momma and daddy and nannie and pawpaw and gran and peepaw and billy bud are there with him and at the same time i want to scream at them all to go on and leave because he isn't ready yet - not yet - not now -

on the return trip, we talked to shannon and ladonna and told them both that he loved them - we also told him that they sent their love -

today - june 9 - is my birthday - i am 48 - might as well be 50 - does 2 years really make a difference - do i look 2 years younger than someone who looks 50?

actually, i think i look pretty good for someone who is 50 - i am down to 160 or so now - from a high of 220 - i spend 6 days a week - walking, aerobics, weight training - and i eat right - healthy foods - now, i don't have to take any of my diabetic meds - i keep my blood sugar between 95 - 115 - i feel great - and i just recently had my teeth 'fixed' - as we say.

in the 70s, after i graduated high school - and spent two years in junior college - i moved to big d - there i came out - made some friends and began working in some of the bars along cedar springs - i started experimenting with drugs and to make a long story short - i guess i was lucky in that i never felt addicted to anything i took and was able to 'walk away' when the time came - but i spent two years working in the bars and taking the drugs that were given as tips - not something i am proud of, but i was young and it was the 70s - fast forward 15 years - my teeth began falling out - loosening and bleeding - not sure if this was caused by the drugs i took so many years ago, but i always accepted it as part of the 'payment' for the good times i thought i was having - for almost 6 years i have lived with this - well, i am a month into my 'new teeth' - i forgot what it was like to smile - so, people now say i look so much younger now and they can't figure out why - see, i never ever smiled or laughed in public - i practiced in a mirror how far to smile so as not to show that i had no teeth and i absolutely hated talking to people for any length of time - anyway, i am enjoying the new me.

tomorrow is mine and rods 20th - hard to believe - but happy to have.


love, toe

for Nannie -



Nannie Mae Isenberg Moulder
Jan 1, 1911 - March 21, 2006

I love you, Nannie.

Wow .. that long huh?

Nannie died, Momma's mother - spent last weekend cleaning out her house - or helping - gonna miss her. later.

Smokey Lonesome got run over - buried him along the side - made a box for him and lined it - was hard to close it up - held him for as long as I could - and remain sane.

sometimes it feels like sorrow follows me around - but honestly, i am really a very happy person - big sis says 'of all of us, you refuse to accept defeat' - i guess that is true - i don't like to admit there is a problem until i have it confirmed and even then - i'm gonna keep believing that it will all be ok in the end... one of my fav sayings from one of my fav shows - 'it will all be ok in the end - if it's not ok - it's not the end'. judging amy. loved that show.

think it comes from momma - when we lived on the hill on the outskirts of town - no phone - no car, when daddy wasn't home - and no money - and they would come and turn the lights off - she would led us in a game of hide n seek in the dark in the middle of the country and corn fields - and somehow that made what could have been a bad time into something good and fun..then we would sit on the front porch and watch the moon move across the sky and tell stories - ghost stories and dream stories - dream stories - when i grow up stories - momma, when i grow up, i am gonna build you a big house - one dream that never came true - but she would always say - i just want you to be happy - i'm happy, momma.

i'm happy.

love toe

stuck... tired... bored.. too much to get done .. should be doing it instead of writing...

smokey lonesome sitting on my lap purring... such a good kitty .. never had a cat before ... smokey decided it was about time .. just adopted me about a year ago ... he comes when we whistle (well, when Rod whistles - i can't whistle)..comes running, tail wagging .. i think he is a dog in cats clothing...

we never really had cats when i was growing up - bubba had a cat named kitty lou before he went to the panhandle - we always had dogs .. big dogs little dogs old dogs mean dogs protective dogs .. dobermans, pekingnese, spitz, pit bulls - daddy raised them and yes he fought them - never could stomach that - i had a great dane once - tasha - had to give her away - she liked to chase and kill chickens.

horses we always had ... until Sister got hurt .. then Daddy got rid of them all ..stomach first onto a tree stump ..Gran & Peepaw were there .. Momma was there .. i think aunt jeanette and uncle howard were there too .. daddy was in the hospital .. his first of many heart attacks ..all us kids who had been born were there ...someone said 'it's terrible' - a friend, whose daughter was named terry - thought they said it was terry - took three men to hold her back .. another lady shoving ice chips at all of us .. tears... fear ...ambulance .. she was just 16 .. riding on a horse with another girl behind her, someone hit the horse with a quirt .. into a grove of trees, the horse turned quickly and the girl holding Sister started to fall and pulled Sister off with her, she landed against a tree, Sister landed stomach first onto a tree stump. .. it's a strange feeling, being a kid and seeing your Sisters picture on a jar in the local grocery begging for money to help with hospital expenses... hearing people whisper.."their father.. in the hospital with a heart attack .. their sister .. not sure she will make it through ..poor kids" ...Momma running from one floor to the other .. they didn't want Daddy to know about Sister until he was better... 4 kids at home ... we stayed with relatives for awhile .. then someone took the girls to take care of them ... and someone took bubba & me to live with them ..that wasn't fun ..

we did get to see sister, after daddy got out and we were somewhat a family again .. she stayed in the hospital almost a year, then.

we couldn't go up in the room originally, but Daddy would drive us into the parking lot near her window and he would point which window was hers and Momma would wave to us .. Daddy said it was sister, but we knew she couldn't get out of bed..

so Daddy sold all the horses - except Jiggs - couldn't get rid of Jiggs.

before, we always went on trail rides .. horse shows.. rodeos .. after, not so much...

Henry Sanders, Jr - S2C US ARMY - your name looks, sounds familiar. i thought you might have been someone Sister dated when she was in high school. she says no. i know your Family loves you. i know you died for this country. fought for what you believed in. fought for what you held dear. - died for me - for us - for my Family - so that we might be free. was that how it was?

i will remember you. i will not let you go un-remembered. i will speak your name.

HENRY SANDERS, JR S2C US ARMY LOVE YOUR FAMILY - carved right into the stone, placed along the sidewalk - of the Veterans Park i walk every morning.
----
i'm goin' home. hootie & the blowfish. 6 of us. even have a 2nd cousin, like an aunt - named jeanette.

play it when i am gone.
----

Found a box today - all my CD's. I hadn't seen them since we moved from the big house by the river. John Cougar - his music makes me want to dance - move about - get going. happy. sad at the same time.

a little sentimental ... Jack & Diane and the new song he sings, I don't remember the name of it - but I know when I hear it - it gets me involved. I have never seen him in concert, but bet it would be wonderful.

so, why Toe? I thought about that yesterday when I changed over to using my nickname - and it is mine - one given to me by my family. I stopped using it in high school - Mike Otto - they called him Toe and he was way more popular. But I was Toe ever since I could remember. Momma and Daddy said big brother - bubba - do all brothers call one another bubba? - couldn't say Troy and it came out Toe - it kind of stuck - I always thought it was cause my hair was snow white when i was little - got called toe-headed.

so, here i am Toe - somewhere out there i am toe too.

bubba - ? - somewhere there is a picture, in one of my albums, of he and i on a sidewalk and sister in the background. - i think the house is still standing. - i am walking up behind him, i have a large stick in my hand and my hand is raised - really looks like i am about to whop him good. Momma & Daddy say he used to run, and i would chase - stick in hand and he would cry - 'bubba got a tick' .. bubba.

middle sis and baby brother took a trip today - they should be where they want to be and those of us who had to stay behind for various reasons are with them now.

way up in the panhandle of texas - nothing but dust, wind and prisons- they didn't go to taste the dust or dodge the wind.

bubba has been there since the year Daddy died. 1992.

pain

tears

anger

two hours from him, is 2nd nephew - same story second verse.

wasteful

more anger

Daddy Died -

whew - immense pain.

they arrested bubba. came out and got him. i wasnt' there. but from what Momma said, they drug him out.

within a week - Daddy was gone.

we begged them to let him come to the funeral. took his clothes down to the jail. figured they would keep him in cuffs.

nope. no such luck.

they brought him. three law men, looking quite official and menacing. sad.

he was. dressed in prison orange. shackles, cuffs - and tears. so many tears.

thought we all would die that day.

and then they did - or it seemed so. first, pawpaw - then lee, peepaw, gran, my baby Callie - hard - Billy Bud - why? - and no lord, not Momma. yeah, Momma. almost lost Sister.

i couldn't feel anymore. wanted to go too.

though Daddy died in 1992 - and pawpaw died in 95 - everyone else died in a 7 month time span.

my mind is still too confused to really talk about it much - other than ramblings - so much i don't remember - i was dazed - we all were - waited for Momma to go - stood by and waited - and waited and waited. she wanted it that way. no help. never, ever, never ever - DNR - too painful. how to stop wanting to stop the dying. heavy breaths. holding the warm hand. talking. nothing really, just talking. are you watchin, momma? did you see that move Sting made? did you see how pretty that ring was? she loves wrestling and shopping channel. never had the money to buy much, but loved watching.

doctors, nurses - when she starts this, this will happen and then we will know she has this much time left.

not today.

maybe today. come quick. everyone. streaming in, tears. all her new friends. frail pushing weak. smiling to them as they roll their chairs over my toes - Toe - petting. crying.

get out of here. not today.

here's bubba. on the phone. coma. put the phone near my ear and let me hear his voice, she whispers. we cry holding the phone to her. but we do it.

her baby sis. leave them alone. much to be said.

she collected dolls. all over her room. hanging on the wall all around her bed. she wants everyone to have one. we now realize that is way she wanted so many dolls. so many fucking dolls. dolls. dolls. dolls. dolls. every time she wanted a doll, she got it. everytime. no denial. we found the money and we got her a doll. she knew.

everyone got a doll.

day 2. here is a room. get some sleep. no.

day 3. no.

nurses, doctors - she is just holding on.

doctors, nurses - when this happens, then this will happen and then we will know she doesn't have long.

stop - if one more doctor or nurse tells me how my Momma is going to die - i'll shoot them.

day 4. could have been day 5 or 6 or 7.

we all agreed - quick rest. left 2nd nephew to watch. wait. cry. hold.

ring. ring.

no.

yes.

she looked rung out, exhausted. relaxed, tired. she was gone.

orphans.

dignity.

we walked her to the ambulance.- was it an ambulance or a hearse? - i don't remember. side by side. holding back the tears. i don't remember if she was covered or not. was her face showing? i couldn't look. this could not be happening. no i won't accept it. she can't be gone. i still need her. she is my momma.

i remember her tummy jiggled as they guided the guerney across the parking lot - i thought she was still breathing. my heart jumped. then they were putting her inside. her face was covered. Momma was dead. she wasn't coming back and there was so much I had to say to her.

someone was screaming. a blood curdling scream. stop screaming. - it was me. i needed to sit. to throw up. sick. to run. to scream. to hit something.

and Sister is dying - one hospital over. will she know?

run, run run.

must not cry. Sister needs us to be strong and not let on that Momma is gone.

she knows.

she knew - when it happened. she knew.

------------------------------

gotta stop for today.

------------------
this is so like therapy!!

Ok, I just posted that pic up there to the right, the one of 5 of 6 of us. Little brother had not been born yet. Sister stood behind us - she must have been about 16 or so - it was right before her accident. I kind of remember having the pic taken. Daddy had just gotten a new polaroid. We lived in the house on the hill. Kind of said - us against the world. When I see the pic, I can hear Sister saying " I will protect these children "... and she has.

I love that pic - just wish little brother had been in it - I like to pretend he is there in spirit, even if he is still a few more years away.

I started walking about 2 months ago. Just walking. After the first week or so I bought one of the pedometers- such a weird name for such a useful tool. I am now up to 4 miles a day in one walk - overall all through the day I average about 20,000 steps a day. From everything I have read, that is good. My butt and legs are hard as rocks. I have lost about 15 pounds - the goal is 25 - 30. I am down from a size 36 to a size 34 jeans. My feet even feel smaller.
The walk gives me time to think out the day and for Rod and I to line the day up.
We are getting ready for Warrenton, we leave next Monday.
Gotta go walk, I will talk more later.

Spent the past Sunday helping little brother and his move into a new place.

I thought we moved around a lot when I was growing up. I didn't know anyone who moved as much as we did.

As I have aged, I have tried to remain.

Mostly we lived on and around the Brazos River when I was growing up. I live as close to it now as I did then.

Daddy was big on wide open spaces. We always lived in the country. He was big on get-to-gethers, whether in the summer or winter. Always a big to-do on the week-end. Kids sleeping on roll-away beds on the front porch, men folk passed out under the trees in those big metal lawn chairs, women folk sleeping two to a bed inside.

Waiting until we heard the snoring and knew the 'coast was clear' and we could head to the corn fields on the opposite side of the house and play a midnight game of hide and seek. Sneaking a kiss under the moonlight from pig tailed girls.

Sleeping til the smell of sizzling bacon and fresh coffee drifted from the kitchen to the front porch.

There was always enough. Enough room. Enough food. Enough fun. Enough love.

 

I have had this blog for sometime, just never sure what I wanted to say or how to say it. Then figured I would do what I do best, which is ramble.

I grew up on the outskirts of Waco during the 60s and 70s. Momma and Daddy tried the best they could to raise 5 kids.

We became 6 kids in the late 70s, when Momma was in her mid 40s. I remember my older sister, who we called and still call Sister, hit the roof. She was sure she would be left to raise this as yet unborn child because Momma would die in childbirth.

Our then baby sister, who was the baby of the family, pouted for weeks on end when we teased her about not being the Baby any longer.

I don't remember the birth of my youngest brother, but I do remember his birth came on the anniversary of Pearl Harbor and his arrival made 6 kids, 3 boys and 3 girls.

We were like the Brady Bunch, but without the divorce. Though it came close to that many a time. The divorce.

Momma and Daddy are both gone now. All that is left is the 6 of us kids and I guess we are orphans now. It sure feels that way sometimes when I need a lap to lay my head. It's odd how things stick in your mind as comforting, when to the outside world they may appear so strange.

That being said, the sweetest most comforting memory I have with my mother involved laying my head in her lap while she cleaned out my ears with a bobby pin. Weird I know, but the gentleness was beyond measure and in a house of 6 kids, it was a moment that just she and I shared. I didn't have to share it with anyone.

I am the middle son, the middle child of sorts. I have an older sister, the one we call Sister, she is the oldest of the children. Then I have an older brother, for years I called him Bubba, now I call him by his name. Then me. Then a younger sister, born 2 years after and 2 days before me. Then a baby sister, the only child who didn't get a middle name. So, as children we gave her one by repeating her first name twice. Finally, a baby brother. Born 12 years after the baby sister.

I always think he must have felt like an only child. By the time he was in first grade, most all of us had left and moved on with our lives.

When he graduated high school in 1992, Daddy had died. Daddy was born on April fools day and loved playing jokes on kids. He died 2 weeks after his 63rd birthday and almost amonth before baby brother graduated.

We attended his graduation as a family and when he went up to receive his diploma, he kissed it to his lips and held it to the clouds.

Made us all cry.