Found a box today - all my CD's. I hadn't seen them since we moved from the big house by the river. John Cougar - his music makes me want to dance - move about - get going. happy. sad at the same time.

a little sentimental ... Jack & Diane and the new song he sings, I don't remember the name of it - but I know when I hear it - it gets me involved. I have never seen him in concert, but bet it would be wonderful.

so, why Toe? I thought about that yesterday when I changed over to using my nickname - and it is mine - one given to me by my family. I stopped using it in high school - Mike Otto - they called him Toe and he was way more popular. But I was Toe ever since I could remember. Momma and Daddy said big brother - bubba - do all brothers call one another bubba? - couldn't say Troy and it came out Toe - it kind of stuck - I always thought it was cause my hair was snow white when i was little - got called toe-headed.

so, here i am Toe - somewhere out there i am toe too.

bubba - ? - somewhere there is a picture, in one of my albums, of he and i on a sidewalk and sister in the background. - i think the house is still standing. - i am walking up behind him, i have a large stick in my hand and my hand is raised - really looks like i am about to whop him good. Momma & Daddy say he used to run, and i would chase - stick in hand and he would cry - 'bubba got a tick' .. bubba.

middle sis and baby brother took a trip today - they should be where they want to be and those of us who had to stay behind for various reasons are with them now.

way up in the panhandle of texas - nothing but dust, wind and prisons- they didn't go to taste the dust or dodge the wind.

bubba has been there since the year Daddy died. 1992.

pain

tears

anger

two hours from him, is 2nd nephew - same story second verse.

wasteful

more anger

Daddy Died -

whew - immense pain.

they arrested bubba. came out and got him. i wasnt' there. but from what Momma said, they drug him out.

within a week - Daddy was gone.

we begged them to let him come to the funeral. took his clothes down to the jail. figured they would keep him in cuffs.

nope. no such luck.

they brought him. three law men, looking quite official and menacing. sad.

he was. dressed in prison orange. shackles, cuffs - and tears. so many tears.

thought we all would die that day.

and then they did - or it seemed so. first, pawpaw - then lee, peepaw, gran, my baby Callie - hard - Billy Bud - why? - and no lord, not Momma. yeah, Momma. almost lost Sister.

i couldn't feel anymore. wanted to go too.

though Daddy died in 1992 - and pawpaw died in 95 - everyone else died in a 7 month time span.

my mind is still too confused to really talk about it much - other than ramblings - so much i don't remember - i was dazed - we all were - waited for Momma to go - stood by and waited - and waited and waited. she wanted it that way. no help. never, ever, never ever - DNR - too painful. how to stop wanting to stop the dying. heavy breaths. holding the warm hand. talking. nothing really, just talking. are you watchin, momma? did you see that move Sting made? did you see how pretty that ring was? she loves wrestling and shopping channel. never had the money to buy much, but loved watching.

doctors, nurses - when she starts this, this will happen and then we will know she has this much time left.

not today.

maybe today. come quick. everyone. streaming in, tears. all her new friends. frail pushing weak. smiling to them as they roll their chairs over my toes - Toe - petting. crying.

get out of here. not today.

here's bubba. on the phone. coma. put the phone near my ear and let me hear his voice, she whispers. we cry holding the phone to her. but we do it.

her baby sis. leave them alone. much to be said.

she collected dolls. all over her room. hanging on the wall all around her bed. she wants everyone to have one. we now realize that is way she wanted so many dolls. so many fucking dolls. dolls. dolls. dolls. dolls. every time she wanted a doll, she got it. everytime. no denial. we found the money and we got her a doll. she knew.

everyone got a doll.

day 2. here is a room. get some sleep. no.

day 3. no.

nurses, doctors - she is just holding on.

doctors, nurses - when this happens, then this will happen and then we will know she doesn't have long.

stop - if one more doctor or nurse tells me how my Momma is going to die - i'll shoot them.

day 4. could have been day 5 or 6 or 7.

we all agreed - quick rest. left 2nd nephew to watch. wait. cry. hold.

ring. ring.

no.

yes.

she looked rung out, exhausted. relaxed, tired. she was gone.

orphans.

dignity.

we walked her to the ambulance.- was it an ambulance or a hearse? - i don't remember. side by side. holding back the tears. i don't remember if she was covered or not. was her face showing? i couldn't look. this could not be happening. no i won't accept it. she can't be gone. i still need her. she is my momma.

i remember her tummy jiggled as they guided the guerney across the parking lot - i thought she was still breathing. my heart jumped. then they were putting her inside. her face was covered. Momma was dead. she wasn't coming back and there was so much I had to say to her.

someone was screaming. a blood curdling scream. stop screaming. - it was me. i needed to sit. to throw up. sick. to run. to scream. to hit something.

and Sister is dying - one hospital over. will she know?

run, run run.

must not cry. Sister needs us to be strong and not let on that Momma is gone.

she knows.

she knew - when it happened. she knew.

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gotta stop for today.

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this is so like therapy!!