stuck... tired... bored.. too much to get done .. should be doing it instead of writing...

smokey lonesome sitting on my lap purring... such a good kitty .. never had a cat before ... smokey decided it was about time .. just adopted me about a year ago ... he comes when we whistle (well, when Rod whistles - i can't whistle)..comes running, tail wagging .. i think he is a dog in cats clothing...

we never really had cats when i was growing up - bubba had a cat named kitty lou before he went to the panhandle - we always had dogs .. big dogs little dogs old dogs mean dogs protective dogs .. dobermans, pekingnese, spitz, pit bulls - daddy raised them and yes he fought them - never could stomach that - i had a great dane once - tasha - had to give her away - she liked to chase and kill chickens.

horses we always had ... until Sister got hurt .. then Daddy got rid of them all ..stomach first onto a tree stump ..Gran & Peepaw were there .. Momma was there .. i think aunt jeanette and uncle howard were there too .. daddy was in the hospital .. his first of many heart attacks ..all us kids who had been born were there ...someone said 'it's terrible' - a friend, whose daughter was named terry - thought they said it was terry - took three men to hold her back .. another lady shoving ice chips at all of us .. tears... fear ...ambulance .. she was just 16 .. riding on a horse with another girl behind her, someone hit the horse with a quirt .. into a grove of trees, the horse turned quickly and the girl holding Sister started to fall and pulled Sister off with her, she landed against a tree, Sister landed stomach first onto a tree stump. .. it's a strange feeling, being a kid and seeing your Sisters picture on a jar in the local grocery begging for money to help with hospital expenses... hearing people whisper.."their father.. in the hospital with a heart attack .. their sister .. not sure she will make it through ..poor kids" ...Momma running from one floor to the other .. they didn't want Daddy to know about Sister until he was better... 4 kids at home ... we stayed with relatives for awhile .. then someone took the girls to take care of them ... and someone took bubba & me to live with them ..that wasn't fun ..

we did get to see sister, after daddy got out and we were somewhat a family again .. she stayed in the hospital almost a year, then.

we couldn't go up in the room originally, but Daddy would drive us into the parking lot near her window and he would point which window was hers and Momma would wave to us .. Daddy said it was sister, but we knew she couldn't get out of bed..

so Daddy sold all the horses - except Jiggs - couldn't get rid of Jiggs.

before, we always went on trail rides .. horse shows.. rodeos .. after, not so much...

Henry Sanders, Jr - S2C US ARMY - your name looks, sounds familiar. i thought you might have been someone Sister dated when she was in high school. she says no. i know your Family loves you. i know you died for this country. fought for what you believed in. fought for what you held dear. - died for me - for us - for my Family - so that we might be free. was that how it was?

i will remember you. i will not let you go un-remembered. i will speak your name.

HENRY SANDERS, JR S2C US ARMY LOVE YOUR FAMILY - carved right into the stone, placed along the sidewalk - of the Veterans Park i walk every morning.
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i'm goin' home. hootie & the blowfish. 6 of us. even have a 2nd cousin, like an aunt - named jeanette.

play it when i am gone.
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Found a box today - all my CD's. I hadn't seen them since we moved from the big house by the river. John Cougar - his music makes me want to dance - move about - get going. happy. sad at the same time.

a little sentimental ... Jack & Diane and the new song he sings, I don't remember the name of it - but I know when I hear it - it gets me involved. I have never seen him in concert, but bet it would be wonderful.

so, why Toe? I thought about that yesterday when I changed over to using my nickname - and it is mine - one given to me by my family. I stopped using it in high school - Mike Otto - they called him Toe and he was way more popular. But I was Toe ever since I could remember. Momma and Daddy said big brother - bubba - do all brothers call one another bubba? - couldn't say Troy and it came out Toe - it kind of stuck - I always thought it was cause my hair was snow white when i was little - got called toe-headed.

so, here i am Toe - somewhere out there i am toe too.

bubba - ? - somewhere there is a picture, in one of my albums, of he and i on a sidewalk and sister in the background. - i think the house is still standing. - i am walking up behind him, i have a large stick in my hand and my hand is raised - really looks like i am about to whop him good. Momma & Daddy say he used to run, and i would chase - stick in hand and he would cry - 'bubba got a tick' .. bubba.

middle sis and baby brother took a trip today - they should be where they want to be and those of us who had to stay behind for various reasons are with them now.

way up in the panhandle of texas - nothing but dust, wind and prisons- they didn't go to taste the dust or dodge the wind.

bubba has been there since the year Daddy died. 1992.

pain

tears

anger

two hours from him, is 2nd nephew - same story second verse.

wasteful

more anger

Daddy Died -

whew - immense pain.

they arrested bubba. came out and got him. i wasnt' there. but from what Momma said, they drug him out.

within a week - Daddy was gone.

we begged them to let him come to the funeral. took his clothes down to the jail. figured they would keep him in cuffs.

nope. no such luck.

they brought him. three law men, looking quite official and menacing. sad.

he was. dressed in prison orange. shackles, cuffs - and tears. so many tears.

thought we all would die that day.

and then they did - or it seemed so. first, pawpaw - then lee, peepaw, gran, my baby Callie - hard - Billy Bud - why? - and no lord, not Momma. yeah, Momma. almost lost Sister.

i couldn't feel anymore. wanted to go too.

though Daddy died in 1992 - and pawpaw died in 95 - everyone else died in a 7 month time span.

my mind is still too confused to really talk about it much - other than ramblings - so much i don't remember - i was dazed - we all were - waited for Momma to go - stood by and waited - and waited and waited. she wanted it that way. no help. never, ever, never ever - DNR - too painful. how to stop wanting to stop the dying. heavy breaths. holding the warm hand. talking. nothing really, just talking. are you watchin, momma? did you see that move Sting made? did you see how pretty that ring was? she loves wrestling and shopping channel. never had the money to buy much, but loved watching.

doctors, nurses - when she starts this, this will happen and then we will know she has this much time left.

not today.

maybe today. come quick. everyone. streaming in, tears. all her new friends. frail pushing weak. smiling to them as they roll their chairs over my toes - Toe - petting. crying.

get out of here. not today.

here's bubba. on the phone. coma. put the phone near my ear and let me hear his voice, she whispers. we cry holding the phone to her. but we do it.

her baby sis. leave them alone. much to be said.

she collected dolls. all over her room. hanging on the wall all around her bed. she wants everyone to have one. we now realize that is way she wanted so many dolls. so many fucking dolls. dolls. dolls. dolls. dolls. every time she wanted a doll, she got it. everytime. no denial. we found the money and we got her a doll. she knew.

everyone got a doll.

day 2. here is a room. get some sleep. no.

day 3. no.

nurses, doctors - she is just holding on.

doctors, nurses - when this happens, then this will happen and then we will know she doesn't have long.

stop - if one more doctor or nurse tells me how my Momma is going to die - i'll shoot them.

day 4. could have been day 5 or 6 or 7.

we all agreed - quick rest. left 2nd nephew to watch. wait. cry. hold.

ring. ring.

no.

yes.

she looked rung out, exhausted. relaxed, tired. she was gone.

orphans.

dignity.

we walked her to the ambulance.- was it an ambulance or a hearse? - i don't remember. side by side. holding back the tears. i don't remember if she was covered or not. was her face showing? i couldn't look. this could not be happening. no i won't accept it. she can't be gone. i still need her. she is my momma.

i remember her tummy jiggled as they guided the guerney across the parking lot - i thought she was still breathing. my heart jumped. then they were putting her inside. her face was covered. Momma was dead. she wasn't coming back and there was so much I had to say to her.

someone was screaming. a blood curdling scream. stop screaming. - it was me. i needed to sit. to throw up. sick. to run. to scream. to hit something.

and Sister is dying - one hospital over. will she know?

run, run run.

must not cry. Sister needs us to be strong and not let on that Momma is gone.

she knows.

she knew - when it happened. she knew.

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gotta stop for today.

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this is so like therapy!!

Ok, I just posted that pic up there to the right, the one of 5 of 6 of us. Little brother had not been born yet. Sister stood behind us - she must have been about 16 or so - it was right before her accident. I kind of remember having the pic taken. Daddy had just gotten a new polaroid. We lived in the house on the hill. Kind of said - us against the world. When I see the pic, I can hear Sister saying " I will protect these children "... and she has.

I love that pic - just wish little brother had been in it - I like to pretend he is there in spirit, even if he is still a few more years away.

I started walking about 2 months ago. Just walking. After the first week or so I bought one of the pedometers- such a weird name for such a useful tool. I am now up to 4 miles a day in one walk - overall all through the day I average about 20,000 steps a day. From everything I have read, that is good. My butt and legs are hard as rocks. I have lost about 15 pounds - the goal is 25 - 30. I am down from a size 36 to a size 34 jeans. My feet even feel smaller.
The walk gives me time to think out the day and for Rod and I to line the day up.
We are getting ready for Warrenton, we leave next Monday.
Gotta go walk, I will talk more later.