had a dream - on a chilly weekend night - snuggled next to Rod - in the back of the van - tired from unloading and setting up the show - in the middle of exhausted - i was - laying across a water bed - drifting in and out - Momma walked through a closet door - not looking anything like she had always looked in my dreams - not this time - this time she looked like she did the night she died - she wasn't dressed in purple with her hair all done up - teased and sprayed - like she did when we put her in the ground - no this time she was scary - kind of - i was scared in the dream - frightened to see her - hurried and frantic she was - dressed in her hospital/ nursing home gown - her little arms frail and her hands hanging at her wrists - her hair wild and wet - her eyes wide and her mouth flushed - she seemed lost - she was whimpering - my heart raced - she and Rod met in the space at the foot of the bed outside the closet door - she looked right through him and he through her - looked to be seeing one another - she didn't, couldn't see me - she was lost - the realization awoke me with a start - Momma was lost - i felt an uncontrolable sadness surround me and i began to cry - Rod nudged me - 'there's something wrong with the phone' - we use the phone as an alarm - i heard the noise too, somewhere in the back of my head - but it wasn't the phone - i was making a whimpering sound - it was me - when i came to, i couldn't stop crying - i couldn't shake the feeling that Momma was lost - searching.

I spent the rest of that early morning crying - maybe crying tears i couldn't cry so many years ago - tears i pushed aside and promised to cry later - when there was time.

Rod later told me that when he got up to put on coffee and walk our dog - jax - the radio was playing 'i hope you dance' - that was just out when Momma died and we played it at her funeral - she and Daddy loved to dance - when we held her hands that night she died - all that day - we encouraged her to go be with Daddy and go dancing - i like to think of them that way - dancing together.

i love you,
Toe