house of carters - makes me cry - is there a mirror in the house - such emotion, passion and love

later

Momma and Daddy - sometime in the 50s

had a dream - on a chilly weekend night - snuggled next to Rod - in the back of the van - tired from unloading and setting up the show - in the middle of exhausted - i was - laying across a water bed - drifting in and out - Momma walked through a closet door - not looking anything like she had always looked in my dreams - not this time - this time she looked like she did the night she died - she wasn't dressed in purple with her hair all done up - teased and sprayed - like she did when we put her in the ground - no this time she was scary - kind of - i was scared in the dream - frightened to see her - hurried and frantic she was - dressed in her hospital/ nursing home gown - her little arms frail and her hands hanging at her wrists - her hair wild and wet - her eyes wide and her mouth flushed - she seemed lost - she was whimpering - my heart raced - she and Rod met in the space at the foot of the bed outside the closet door - she looked right through him and he through her - looked to be seeing one another - she didn't, couldn't see me - she was lost - the realization awoke me with a start - Momma was lost - i felt an uncontrolable sadness surround me and i began to cry - Rod nudged me - 'there's something wrong with the phone' - we use the phone as an alarm - i heard the noise too, somewhere in the back of my head - but it wasn't the phone - i was making a whimpering sound - it was me - when i came to, i couldn't stop crying - i couldn't shake the feeling that Momma was lost - searching.

I spent the rest of that early morning crying - maybe crying tears i couldn't cry so many years ago - tears i pushed aside and promised to cry later - when there was time.

Rod later told me that when he got up to put on coffee and walk our dog - jax - the radio was playing 'i hope you dance' - that was just out when Momma died and we played it at her funeral - she and Daddy loved to dance - when we held her hands that night she died - all that day - we encouraged her to go be with Daddy and go dancing - i like to think of them that way - dancing together.

i love you,
Toe

Bubba died last week - on Wednesday Aug 23 - one day before Momma and Billy Bud, all in a different month - buried him on the 26th, Saturday - seemed for awhile the 24th followed us around like a grey cloud.

talking about anything - anything other than admitting that he is gone. seems/is so so sad. hard to stop and think about. though he has been gone for 14 years, now it seems final. finally he is free. finally he is home. laid him right there to the left of daddy - my left, his right - 'your way' as momma used to say.

he never even got to see where we had laid them all to rest - i am sure he sees now, but it isn't the same - will never be the same - can we stop the dying now?

son of his couldn't make it - we did our best to include daughter. comforting her. allowing her the space to grieve.

hard to control cries that have been suppressed for 14 years.

release. comes in all forms.

bubba. i remember - "bubba got a 'tick" and chasing you around with a stick, i remember horse shows, trail rides, frog giggin', jokes on the 'girls', "aunt jeanette, hand me a towel", jiggs, blaze, kitty lou, callie and you.

i will never forget the impact you made on my life - the good and the not so good - tag. - all is forgiven. i hope you knew that.






____________________

bubba, i don't know how to say good bye to you - you were the sun - the son - the light did shine on you brighter than anyone around.
i was your shadow and it's hard for the shadow to let go of the sun.

you accepted what life gave you with no complaints - taking it with a stand up attitude that causes one to take notice.

as i re-read the last letter you wrote - so much seems clearer - did u know? i think maybe u did. they say u do.

you forgave and sought forgiveness. you honored what was and moved through the pain.

i know your pain is over and your are in Gods love and now all those who have gone before you are with you and you are all watching us. so forgive me if i stumble, but damn bubba i am going to miss you so so much.

i love you,
toe
__________________

Wendal Wade Rash
October 30, 1956 - August 23, 2006

the trip to Amarillo was nice - the weather there was in the high 70s - it was overcast and seemed very much like winter - i think the low for the night was in the low 60s - when we got into town on tuesday afternoon - we reserved our hotel room - we stayed at the quality inn suites off 40 - we couldn't check in until 2pm so we went to the walmart so i could get some long pants - as i didn't realize that men were also under the long pants rule and i only brought shorts - got back to the hotel and checked in and then showered and went out to dinner - got back to the hotel in time to watch big brother and both fell asleep during the program and woke up at 5:30 am - got showered and dressed - had breakfast at the hotel and then drove over to the prison - we had driven by on tuesday when we got into town so we would know how to get there wednesday morning and wouldn't feel rushed -
we got at the prison - he is in the bill clements unit - there were prisoners outside tending to the flowers - once inside the guardshack - we had to wait while they checked us out - normal visitation hours are on saturday and sunday - then they lead us through the prison - the infirmary is in the 'belly' of the prison - they walked us among prisoners - and i must say i was a little nervous - what with sisters giant 'bassooms', even though she tried to corral them - but we made it through without incident -

once we got to the infirmary they stopped us at the nurses station - as we stood there looking around and waiting - i saw his room directly across from the nurses desk - his name was written on a piece of paper - Rash, Wendal - 622482 - 1200CC fluid restriction - the door was closed - there was a vertical window approximately 16" long and 8" wide on the left side of the door - a slot for placing his food tray beneath - and there sitting in a hospital type recliner - covered with a woven white cotton blanket - peeking out from under the blanket was an old familiar face - he looked so old and small -

they opened the door and led us into the room and brought two chairs for us to sit in - we were surprised that they encouraged us to sit next to him and touch and hug him - which we did - sister sat on one side and i sat on the other - along the opposite wall was a small twin size bed with white sheets another cotton blanket and a single pillow - there were two vertical windows in the room - one on each side of the the back wall - they looked out into the inner courtyard - which had west texas style plants and flowers -

his eyes brightened the moment he realized we were there - and i do believe he knew we were there - they reminded us he could only have 1200 cc of fluid a day - which is the equivalent of four small cups of coffee in the styrofoam cups - he seemed overly excited to be getting a soda and chose a sprite - sister also bought him a soft peanut butter cookie - and a milky way - most all of his teeth are now gone and he finds it hard to eat anything other than mush - at first i just thought he was having trouble forming words - and i am still not sure that wasn't what was happening - but he was very disoriented - he kept looking at the doorway and smiling and even laughing at some points - then he would say 'Naw' very loud - or 'you're shitting me' - we told him that his daughter, ladonna, wanted to come see him and he got very aggitated and began shaking his head - no - it was hard for him to form words - sister continued to sit on one side and i on the other and we just sat there taking turns stroking his hands or arms - his left arm tending to quiver and shake uncontrollably - his arms are covered in tattoos - from wrist to elbow - elaborate colorful dragons and devils - fire and brimstone - i told him i had thought about getting a tattoo - what did he think - he pursed his lips and shook his head - NO - there wasn't much conversation on his part - so we spent most of the time telling him about the family - how big everyones kids are - things we did as kids - how well the reunion turned out and how pleased we were with the turnout -
we stayed approximately 2 1/2 hours - we only left because he was getting very tired and wanted to lay down - we hugged and kissed him goodbye and left - the drive home was very hard and emotional.

the bad - he is unable to form words - his thoughts drift from exclamations to counting - he spent a lot of the conversation counting - sister said she thought he was counting what money he had in his account - i thought he was counting the days left to his parole and release - his left arm would jerk and spasm - his skin is very yellow - i actually saw it as tan - but sister said it was yellow - he has a skin cancer lession on his right side cheek - though he wasn't at the time, the nurse told sister he has to wear diapers but she didn't put him in them that day cause she didn't want to embarass him - he got sick when we went to leave and threw up all over himself and started to cry - oh, that was hard - he would seem to understand what we were talking about and then become frustrated when he couldn't form the words of his reply - he would clench his right fist and try to sound out the words -

the doctor came in while we were there - he is a very compassionate man - he told us that wendals liver is not absorbing the toxins in his body and so his body is going into shock and shutting down - the nurse - mrs moore, is very good and dotes on wendal like he was a child - i can tell she has the same level of compassion - she said he has gradually gotten worse each day -

neither sister or i wanted to leave - but it was very hard to stay and i personally just wasn't sure how much longer i could hold in the tears and not cry in front of him - neither of us cried in his presense - we just sat and held him -
as we left the infirmary - they encouraged us to hug and kiss him goodbye, which we did as he lay in his bed - we both broke down once we got outside the infirmary - the lady gaurd stopped us and comforted us both patting us on the back and telling us it would be alright and that they would look after him - which is also what the nurses all said - the guard took us to see the chaplain and he took us into a conference room and explained to us what would happen when wendal died - what he would do and what the prison would do -

then we left and started home - it seemed further back home than it did there -

i don't know what lies ahead - i pray that there is a miracle - i pray that he will be released of his pain - i feel that momma and daddy and nannie and pawpaw and gran and peepaw and billy bud are there with him and at the same time i want to scream at them all to go on and leave because he isn't ready yet - not yet - not now -

on the return trip, we talked to shannon and ladonna and told them both that he loved them - we also told him that they sent their love -

today - june 9 - is my birthday - i am 48 - might as well be 50 - does 2 years really make a difference - do i look 2 years younger than someone who looks 50?

actually, i think i look pretty good for someone who is 50 - i am down to 160 or so now - from a high of 220 - i spend 6 days a week - walking, aerobics, weight training - and i eat right - healthy foods - now, i don't have to take any of my diabetic meds - i keep my blood sugar between 95 - 115 - i feel great - and i just recently had my teeth 'fixed' - as we say.

in the 70s, after i graduated high school - and spent two years in junior college - i moved to big d - there i came out - made some friends and began working in some of the bars along cedar springs - i started experimenting with drugs and to make a long story short - i guess i was lucky in that i never felt addicted to anything i took and was able to 'walk away' when the time came - but i spent two years working in the bars and taking the drugs that were given as tips - not something i am proud of, but i was young and it was the 70s - fast forward 15 years - my teeth began falling out - loosening and bleeding - not sure if this was caused by the drugs i took so many years ago, but i always accepted it as part of the 'payment' for the good times i thought i was having - for almost 6 years i have lived with this - well, i am a month into my 'new teeth' - i forgot what it was like to smile - so, people now say i look so much younger now and they can't figure out why - see, i never ever smiled or laughed in public - i practiced in a mirror how far to smile so as not to show that i had no teeth and i absolutely hated talking to people for any length of time - anyway, i am enjoying the new me.

tomorrow is mine and rods 20th - hard to believe - but happy to have.


love, toe

for Nannie -



Nannie Mae Isenberg Moulder
Jan 1, 1911 - March 21, 2006

I love you, Nannie.

Wow .. that long huh?

Nannie died, Momma's mother - spent last weekend cleaning out her house - or helping - gonna miss her. later.

Smokey Lonesome got run over - buried him along the side - made a box for him and lined it - was hard to close it up - held him for as long as I could - and remain sane.

sometimes it feels like sorrow follows me around - but honestly, i am really a very happy person - big sis says 'of all of us, you refuse to accept defeat' - i guess that is true - i don't like to admit there is a problem until i have it confirmed and even then - i'm gonna keep believing that it will all be ok in the end... one of my fav sayings from one of my fav shows - 'it will all be ok in the end - if it's not ok - it's not the end'. judging amy. loved that show.

think it comes from momma - when we lived on the hill on the outskirts of town - no phone - no car, when daddy wasn't home - and no money - and they would come and turn the lights off - she would led us in a game of hide n seek in the dark in the middle of the country and corn fields - and somehow that made what could have been a bad time into something good and fun..then we would sit on the front porch and watch the moon move across the sky and tell stories - ghost stories and dream stories - dream stories - when i grow up stories - momma, when i grow up, i am gonna build you a big house - one dream that never came true - but she would always say - i just want you to be happy - i'm happy, momma.

i'm happy.

love toe